Let's get something clear once and for all.
I am an asshole.
I took the girl I loved for granted.
For more than a year, she put up with my nonsense.
I hurt her mentally, emotionally and physically.
I snapped one last time on Tuesday and hurt her again.
After that I went crazy, went home, took everything that belonged to her and sent it all down to her office.
I behaved like a complete fool and made a mess out of the whole thing.
I hurt my woman. I behaved like a jerk more than once.
And today she called me asshole.
Wasn't easy to swallow but she was right. I am an asshole.
Of all the right things I've done in my life, I had to choose to become an asshole with the woman whom I'm supposed to love.
All these months, I've let my insecurities overwhelm me on more than one occasion. Rendering me incapable of sorting my life out.
Bebe is right. Where is that guy who was so nice and did things without expectations. Where is the guy who put his heart totally into something and just did it cos it felt right to do it. I let that guy disappear. I let my imagination run wild. I let myself think that I wasn't good enough.
I screwed up. I screwed up bad.
SO here it is. There was only one victim in the relationship and it wasn't me. It's in black and white. Bebe was the victim. I hurt her and I hurt her bad.
I have one last chance. I will have to change and be good once and for all. If I can;t do it, I will have to lose Bebe for good. I don't want to. I will strive to change. I must change. I will never get used to life without Bebe.
I must change. Action speaks louder than words. I just wish for a hug right now. Not from anyone else. I just want a hug from Bebe, the woman I love, the woman I hurt, the woman I so desperately want back in my life.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
0-0
28th March 2007.
Bishan Stadium.
The scoreboard read 0-0.
Home United 0 Albirex Niigata 0.
The same Albirex that lost 3-1 to Sengkang Punggol last Friday.
The same Sengkang Punggol that was bottom or bottom 2 for the last 3 seasons.
Home United couldn't beat Albirex.
For once after 3 S-league matches that I've bet on, I lost. Every single cent.
I bet the same amount everytime.
$80.
With my 'insurance" ticket, somehow I could at least get the $80 back for the last 3 games.
But today, top team versus bottom team. No goals.
I had done everything the same way.
It's not the $80 that hurt.
It was the fact that I lost.
I sat there wondering.
I sat in the bus wondering.
Why?
Everything was the same.
What went wrong?
Then I realized it as I stepped into my room and opened my wardrobe.
I realized what was wrong.
The black cheongsam that was there for the last few months was gone.
The 2 bottles of Nivea cream were gone.
The bottle of Gucci Envy that I bought for $50 from Lucky Plaza was gone.
The hair brush that had been in there for the last one year or so was gone.
The bottles of nail polish were gone.
The sanitary pads were gone.
I walked to the bathroom.
The venus shaver was gone.
The feminine wash was gone.
The neutrogena cleansing lotion was gone.
What was not the same?
The mistress of my life was gone.
That's what's not the same.
She was not with me when I watched the match.
She was not with me as I sat there all alone in Bishan Stadium.
She has not been with me since yesterday afternoon.
The love of my life was gone.
I let her go. Silly me.
Then I looked again.
The red towel that she used once on Sunday was still hanging at the window.
The mirror that she reflected her pretty face in was still at the table.
The "Lock-Lock" containing the cotton pads was still in my wardrobe.
The hairdryer that she just used on the weekend was still here.
So I brought down the towel.
I wiped the mirror.
I kept the hairdryer in my wardrobe.
One day, when I'm ready, and when she's ready, the mistress of my life, the mistress of this room, the love of my life, one day when she's ready, she'll be back in my life, she'll be back in this room, she'll be back on this bed, she'll lie warmly in my arms, and I'll tell her how much I love her and I'll tell her how much I want her, and I'll tell her how important she is to me and everything is gonna be alright.
And everything will be alright.
I shed a tear. And the rest just came non-stop. That's why I have to stop writing now. At least for tonight. My vision is blurry. My back hurts. My heart hurts too. And the tears just won't stop.
Bishan Stadium.
The scoreboard read 0-0.
Home United 0 Albirex Niigata 0.
The same Albirex that lost 3-1 to Sengkang Punggol last Friday.
The same Sengkang Punggol that was bottom or bottom 2 for the last 3 seasons.
Home United couldn't beat Albirex.
For once after 3 S-league matches that I've bet on, I lost. Every single cent.
I bet the same amount everytime.
$80.
With my 'insurance" ticket, somehow I could at least get the $80 back for the last 3 games.
But today, top team versus bottom team. No goals.
I had done everything the same way.
It's not the $80 that hurt.
It was the fact that I lost.
I sat there wondering.
I sat in the bus wondering.
Why?
Everything was the same.
What went wrong?
Then I realized it as I stepped into my room and opened my wardrobe.
I realized what was wrong.
The black cheongsam that was there for the last few months was gone.
The 2 bottles of Nivea cream were gone.
The bottle of Gucci Envy that I bought for $50 from Lucky Plaza was gone.
The hair brush that had been in there for the last one year or so was gone.
The bottles of nail polish were gone.
The sanitary pads were gone.
I walked to the bathroom.
The venus shaver was gone.
The feminine wash was gone.
The neutrogena cleansing lotion was gone.
What was not the same?
The mistress of my life was gone.
That's what's not the same.
She was not with me when I watched the match.
She was not with me as I sat there all alone in Bishan Stadium.
She has not been with me since yesterday afternoon.
The love of my life was gone.
I let her go. Silly me.
Then I looked again.
The red towel that she used once on Sunday was still hanging at the window.
The mirror that she reflected her pretty face in was still at the table.
The "Lock-Lock" containing the cotton pads was still in my wardrobe.
The hairdryer that she just used on the weekend was still here.
So I brought down the towel.
I wiped the mirror.
I kept the hairdryer in my wardrobe.
One day, when I'm ready, and when she's ready, the mistress of my life, the mistress of this room, the love of my life, one day when she's ready, she'll be back in my life, she'll be back in this room, she'll be back on this bed, she'll lie warmly in my arms, and I'll tell her how much I love her and I'll tell her how much I want her, and I'll tell her how important she is to me and everything is gonna be alright.
And everything will be alright.
I shed a tear. And the rest just came non-stop. That's why I have to stop writing now. At least for tonight. My vision is blurry. My back hurts. My heart hurts too. And the tears just won't stop.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
The Book I'm Reading Now
ALL I REALLY NEEDED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN(UNCOMMON THOUGHTS ON COMMON THINGS) by Robert Fulghum is a new book that I just started reading.
I've never heard of this author before. I just happened to spot this title amongst all the "inspirational" books stacked side by side on the shelf at KINXXXXXXX during one of my short breaks. Didn't seem a big deal when I bought it cos I just needed something fresh to read apart from all my military books.
However, it's probably been weeks or even months before I even opened the book. In fact, only yesterday morning on the train back from TXXXXXX PXXXX did I seriously sit down to read it.
Only one word describes my reading so far: Enlightening.
Contents fit the title to a T. Some passages may not be relevant in this current times but most of it is reflective of life.
Here's a passage that touched me deep, very very deep:
"This is kind of personal. It may get a little syrupy, so watch out. It started as a note to my wife. And then I thought that since some of you may have husbands or wives and might feel the same way, I'd pass it along. I don't own this story, anyway. Charles Boyer does.
Remember Charles Boyer? Suave, dapper, handsome, graceful. Lover of the most famous and beautiful ladies of the silver screen. That was on camera and in the fan magazines. In real life it was different.
There was only one woman. For forty-four years. His wife, Patricia. Friends said it was a lifelong love affair. They were no less lovers and friends and companions after forty-four years than after the first year.
Then Patricia developed cancer of the liver. And though the doctors told Charles, he could not bear to tell her. And so he sat by her bedside to provide hope and cheer. Day and night for six months. He could not change the inevitable. Nobody could. And Patricia died in his arms. Two days later Charles Boyer was also dead. By his own hand. He said he did not want to live without her. He said, "Her love was life to me."
This was no movie. As I said, it's the real story - Charles Boyer's story.
It's not for me to pass judgment on how he handled his grief. But it is for me to say that I am touched and comforted in a strange way. Touched by the depth of love behind the apparent sham of Hollywood love life. Comforted to know that a man and woman can love each other that much that long.
I don't know how I would handle my grief in similar circumstances. I pray I shall never have to stand in his shoes. (Here comes the personal part-no apologies.) But there are moments when I look across the room - amid the daily ordinaries of life - and see the person I call my wife and friend and companion. And I understand why Charles Boyer did what he did. It really is possible to love someone that much. I know. I'm certain of it."
I don't know who Charles Boyer was.
I don't necessarily understand Robert Fulghum's world or life(He's 70 years old this year).
But...
I understand why Charles Boyer did what he did. It really is possible to love someone that much. I know. I'm certain of it.
Thank you for being my friend and companion. One day you'll be my wife too. Good night Bebe.
I've never heard of this author before. I just happened to spot this title amongst all the "inspirational" books stacked side by side on the shelf at KINXXXXXXX during one of my short breaks. Didn't seem a big deal when I bought it cos I just needed something fresh to read apart from all my military books.
However, it's probably been weeks or even months before I even opened the book. In fact, only yesterday morning on the train back from TXXXXXX PXXXX did I seriously sit down to read it.
Only one word describes my reading so far: Enlightening.
Contents fit the title to a T. Some passages may not be relevant in this current times but most of it is reflective of life.
Here's a passage that touched me deep, very very deep:
"This is kind of personal. It may get a little syrupy, so watch out. It started as a note to my wife. And then I thought that since some of you may have husbands or wives and might feel the same way, I'd pass it along. I don't own this story, anyway. Charles Boyer does.
Remember Charles Boyer? Suave, dapper, handsome, graceful. Lover of the most famous and beautiful ladies of the silver screen. That was on camera and in the fan magazines. In real life it was different.
There was only one woman. For forty-four years. His wife, Patricia. Friends said it was a lifelong love affair. They were no less lovers and friends and companions after forty-four years than after the first year.
Then Patricia developed cancer of the liver. And though the doctors told Charles, he could not bear to tell her. And so he sat by her bedside to provide hope and cheer. Day and night for six months. He could not change the inevitable. Nobody could. And Patricia died in his arms. Two days later Charles Boyer was also dead. By his own hand. He said he did not want to live without her. He said, "Her love was life to me."
This was no movie. As I said, it's the real story - Charles Boyer's story.
It's not for me to pass judgment on how he handled his grief. But it is for me to say that I am touched and comforted in a strange way. Touched by the depth of love behind the apparent sham of Hollywood love life. Comforted to know that a man and woman can love each other that much that long.
I don't know how I would handle my grief in similar circumstances. I pray I shall never have to stand in his shoes. (Here comes the personal part-no apologies.) But there are moments when I look across the room - amid the daily ordinaries of life - and see the person I call my wife and friend and companion. And I understand why Charles Boyer did what he did. It really is possible to love someone that much. I know. I'm certain of it."
I don't know who Charles Boyer was.
I don't necessarily understand Robert Fulghum's world or life(He's 70 years old this year).
But...
I understand why Charles Boyer did what he did. It really is possible to love someone that much. I know. I'm certain of it.
Thank you for being my friend and companion. One day you'll be my wife too. Good night Bebe.
Dictionary Lesson 300107
Based on The Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English, the definitions of the following words are as follows:
Anger: A strong feeling of wanting to harm, hurt or criticize someone because they have done something unfair, cruel, offensive etc.
Aggression: Angry or threatening behaviour or feelings that often result in fighting
Pain: The feeling you have when part of your body hurts (DUH!)
Sorrow: A feeling of great sadness, usually because someone has died or because something terrible has happened
Remorse: A strong feeling of being sorry that you have done something very bad
Regret: Sadness that you feel about something because you wish it had not happened or that you had not done it
Stupidity: Behaviour or actions that show a lack of good sense or judgement
Mature: A child or young person who is mature behaves in a sensible and reasonable way/to become or behave sensibly like an adult
Redeem: To make something less bad/To do something that will improve what other people think of you, after you have behaved badly or failed
Love: To have a strong feeling of caring for and liking soemone, combined with sexual attraction
Devotion: Great love or loyalty/ The act of spending alot of time and energy on something
Tolerance: Willingness to allow people to do, say or believe what they want without criticizing them
Relationship: The way in which two people or two groups behave towards each other/The way in which two or more things are connected and affect each other/A situation in which two people spend time together or live together, and have romantic or sexual feelngs for each other
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It's fascinating how the dictionary can teach one so much in so little time. Sometimes when we get too caught up with the daily hassles of life, we forget or blur the definitions of certain simple words of life. Everyone should just keep a little dictionary at home or at work as reading material. A lot of times the answers to some of life's most perplexing questions can be found in that mess of words.
Anger: A strong feeling of wanting to harm, hurt or criticize someone because they have done something unfair, cruel, offensive etc.
Aggression: Angry or threatening behaviour or feelings that often result in fighting
Pain: The feeling you have when part of your body hurts (DUH!)
Sorrow: A feeling of great sadness, usually because someone has died or because something terrible has happened
Remorse: A strong feeling of being sorry that you have done something very bad
Regret: Sadness that you feel about something because you wish it had not happened or that you had not done it
Stupidity: Behaviour or actions that show a lack of good sense or judgement
Mature: A child or young person who is mature behaves in a sensible and reasonable way/to become or behave sensibly like an adult
Redeem: To make something less bad/To do something that will improve what other people think of you, after you have behaved badly or failed
Love: To have a strong feeling of caring for and liking soemone, combined with sexual attraction
Devotion: Great love or loyalty/ The act of spending alot of time and energy on something
Tolerance: Willingness to allow people to do, say or believe what they want without criticizing them
Relationship: The way in which two people or two groups behave towards each other/The way in which two or more things are connected and affect each other/A situation in which two people spend time together or live together, and have romantic or sexual feelngs for each other
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It's fascinating how the dictionary can teach one so much in so little time. Sometimes when we get too caught up with the daily hassles of life, we forget or blur the definitions of certain simple words of life. Everyone should just keep a little dictionary at home or at work as reading material. A lot of times the answers to some of life's most perplexing questions can be found in that mess of words.
I WRITE AGAIN
After much deliberation and thoughts filtering, I have decided to start writing again. I guess this is the only way I can express my thoughts without pissing anyone off or hurting anyone. And it doesn't hurt that I'm on MC till 22nd Feb. Sianzzzzz....But no choice la. Guess after abusing my body for so many wretched years, it has finally given me the emergency signal to take a break.
How many entries or how long my entries will be I don't know yet. But I'll think carefully before I post. Too much crap will bore my audience of one(sometimes 4 even 6).
So here we go....Enjoy the ride!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How many entries or how long my entries will be I don't know yet. But I'll think carefully before I post. Too much crap will bore my audience of one(sometimes 4 even 6).
So here we go....Enjoy the ride!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Today is a New Day
Today is a new day. Something which I try and tell myself every morning.
So for once, I think I shall make it happen.
No more complaints.
No more temper.
No more doubts and suspicions.
No more self depreciation.
No more losing myself.
No more cursing and swearing.
No more of the bastard that possessed my body in the last few months.
Today 6th December 2006, I exorcised my demons.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Action Plan
1. Do not jump to conclusions
2. Do not doubt my loved ones
3. Do not ill treat my loved ones
4. Start exercising regularly
5. Accept all tasks at work with renewed passion and ask for help when necessary
6. Do not blow my top
7. Never let anyone make me think I'm not good enough
8. FIND MYSELF
THE ELITE WILL BE BACK SOON...
If at the end of it, nobody appreciates it or wants me anymore, just too bad.
If nobody wants to love me, I will love myself.
I did not survive so many dangerous stuff to lose myself over some silly relationship.
For once in more than a year, I'll do it for myself.
Screw the universe. :)
So for once, I think I shall make it happen.
No more complaints.
No more temper.
No more doubts and suspicions.
No more self depreciation.
No more losing myself.
No more cursing and swearing.
No more of the bastard that possessed my body in the last few months.
Today 6th December 2006, I exorcised my demons.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Action Plan
1. Do not jump to conclusions
2. Do not doubt my loved ones
3. Do not ill treat my loved ones
4. Start exercising regularly
5. Accept all tasks at work with renewed passion and ask for help when necessary
6. Do not blow my top
7. Never let anyone make me think I'm not good enough
8. FIND MYSELF
THE ELITE WILL BE BACK SOON...
If at the end of it, nobody appreciates it or wants me anymore, just too bad.
If nobody wants to love me, I will love myself.
I did not survive so many dangerous stuff to lose myself over some silly relationship.
For once in more than a year, I'll do it for myself.
Screw the universe. :)
Monday, December 04, 2006
I AM TIRED
I'm tired of working so hard
I'm tired of not getting the recognition
I'm tired of feeling insecure
I'm tired of making myself angry
I'm tired of making Bebe upset
I'm tired of being unhappy
I'm tired of feeling lost
I'm tired of feeling tired
I need to find my way put soon.
I love you Bebe, much more than you'll ever know.
Good night.
I'm tired of not getting the recognition
I'm tired of feeling insecure
I'm tired of making myself angry
I'm tired of making Bebe upset
I'm tired of being unhappy
I'm tired of feeling lost
I'm tired of feeling tired
I need to find my way put soon.
I love you Bebe, much more than you'll ever know.
Good night.
Monday, November 27, 2006
What's wrong?
What's wrong with us?
I really wanna know.
Hopefully the answer will come soon cos I don't know how long I can deal with this constant rejection and aggression.
Life goes on for now.
Ryan and guys, don't bother calling me this few days k. I gotta get thru this myself, like how I got thru 2000. Thanks for being there boys. Sorry I haven't been as present as much as you've would have liked.
Going to work now.
I really wanna know.
Hopefully the answer will come soon cos I don't know how long I can deal with this constant rejection and aggression.
Life goes on for now.
Ryan and guys, don't bother calling me this few days k. I gotta get thru this myself, like how I got thru 2000. Thanks for being there boys. Sorry I haven't been as present as much as you've would have liked.
Going to work now.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Another Day...
I FINALLY GOT TO THE GYM TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After not going for months, it really felt good to be back... Months of neglect have really done my body in. Could't leg press more than 200lbs and couldn't shoulder press more than 100lbs...
Very bad...
Need to go more often from now on, no more excuses.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Had some silly argument with Bebe this afternoon again. Let's just say the problem is resolved for now, gotta wait til this weekend is over before we'll know if there'll be more trouble. Hope not...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
6pm to 730pm. Happening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fireworks better than National Day.... I'm spent but I'l still game for lots more. Ironic...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Haven't been able to sleep early the last few weeks. Promised Bebe I will try. So I shall try now.
Good night Bebe, I love you, much more than you'll ever know.
After not going for months, it really felt good to be back... Months of neglect have really done my body in. Could't leg press more than 200lbs and couldn't shoulder press more than 100lbs...
Very bad...
Need to go more often from now on, no more excuses.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Had some silly argument with Bebe this afternoon again. Let's just say the problem is resolved for now, gotta wait til this weekend is over before we'll know if there'll be more trouble. Hope not...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
6pm to 730pm. Happening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fireworks better than National Day.... I'm spent but I'l still game for lots more. Ironic...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Haven't been able to sleep early the last few weeks. Promised Bebe I will try. So I shall try now.
Good night Bebe, I love you, much more than you'll ever know.
Very tired
Don't know why I'm so tired but maybe it's a good thing if i can finally fall asleep early.
I love you Bebe and thank you for being so nice today.
I know I got a long way to go before being good enough.
I'll try my best k.
Good night. I'll write tomorrow(if I wake up early)...
I love you Bebe and thank you for being so nice today.
I know I got a long way to go before being good enough.
I'll try my best k.
Good night. I'll write tomorrow(if I wake up early)...
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