Let's get something clear once and for all.
I am an asshole.
I took the girl I loved for granted.
For more than a year, she put up with my nonsense.
I hurt her mentally, emotionally and physically.
I snapped one last time on Tuesday and hurt her again.
After that I went crazy, went home, took everything that belonged to her and sent it all down to her office.
I behaved like a complete fool and made a mess out of the whole thing.
I hurt my woman. I behaved like a jerk more than once.
And today she called me asshole.
Wasn't easy to swallow but she was right. I am an asshole.
Of all the right things I've done in my life, I had to choose to become an asshole with the woman whom I'm supposed to love.
All these months, I've let my insecurities overwhelm me on more than one occasion. Rendering me incapable of sorting my life out.
Bebe is right. Where is that guy who was so nice and did things without expectations. Where is the guy who put his heart totally into something and just did it cos it felt right to do it. I let that guy disappear. I let my imagination run wild. I let myself think that I wasn't good enough.
I screwed up. I screwed up bad.
SO here it is. There was only one victim in the relationship and it wasn't me. It's in black and white. Bebe was the victim. I hurt her and I hurt her bad.
I have one last chance. I will have to change and be good once and for all. If I can;t do it, I will have to lose Bebe for good. I don't want to. I will strive to change. I must change. I will never get used to life without Bebe.
I must change. Action speaks louder than words. I just wish for a hug right now. Not from anyone else. I just want a hug from Bebe, the woman I love, the woman I hurt, the woman I so desperately want back in my life.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
0-0
28th March 2007.
Bishan Stadium.
The scoreboard read 0-0.
Home United 0 Albirex Niigata 0.
The same Albirex that lost 3-1 to Sengkang Punggol last Friday.
The same Sengkang Punggol that was bottom or bottom 2 for the last 3 seasons.
Home United couldn't beat Albirex.
For once after 3 S-league matches that I've bet on, I lost. Every single cent.
I bet the same amount everytime.
$80.
With my 'insurance" ticket, somehow I could at least get the $80 back for the last 3 games.
But today, top team versus bottom team. No goals.
I had done everything the same way.
It's not the $80 that hurt.
It was the fact that I lost.
I sat there wondering.
I sat in the bus wondering.
Why?
Everything was the same.
What went wrong?
Then I realized it as I stepped into my room and opened my wardrobe.
I realized what was wrong.
The black cheongsam that was there for the last few months was gone.
The 2 bottles of Nivea cream were gone.
The bottle of Gucci Envy that I bought for $50 from Lucky Plaza was gone.
The hair brush that had been in there for the last one year or so was gone.
The bottles of nail polish were gone.
The sanitary pads were gone.
I walked to the bathroom.
The venus shaver was gone.
The feminine wash was gone.
The neutrogena cleansing lotion was gone.
What was not the same?
The mistress of my life was gone.
That's what's not the same.
She was not with me when I watched the match.
She was not with me as I sat there all alone in Bishan Stadium.
She has not been with me since yesterday afternoon.
The love of my life was gone.
I let her go. Silly me.
Then I looked again.
The red towel that she used once on Sunday was still hanging at the window.
The mirror that she reflected her pretty face in was still at the table.
The "Lock-Lock" containing the cotton pads was still in my wardrobe.
The hairdryer that she just used on the weekend was still here.
So I brought down the towel.
I wiped the mirror.
I kept the hairdryer in my wardrobe.
One day, when I'm ready, and when she's ready, the mistress of my life, the mistress of this room, the love of my life, one day when she's ready, she'll be back in my life, she'll be back in this room, she'll be back on this bed, she'll lie warmly in my arms, and I'll tell her how much I love her and I'll tell her how much I want her, and I'll tell her how important she is to me and everything is gonna be alright.
And everything will be alright.
I shed a tear. And the rest just came non-stop. That's why I have to stop writing now. At least for tonight. My vision is blurry. My back hurts. My heart hurts too. And the tears just won't stop.
Bishan Stadium.
The scoreboard read 0-0.
Home United 0 Albirex Niigata 0.
The same Albirex that lost 3-1 to Sengkang Punggol last Friday.
The same Sengkang Punggol that was bottom or bottom 2 for the last 3 seasons.
Home United couldn't beat Albirex.
For once after 3 S-league matches that I've bet on, I lost. Every single cent.
I bet the same amount everytime.
$80.
With my 'insurance" ticket, somehow I could at least get the $80 back for the last 3 games.
But today, top team versus bottom team. No goals.
I had done everything the same way.
It's not the $80 that hurt.
It was the fact that I lost.
I sat there wondering.
I sat in the bus wondering.
Why?
Everything was the same.
What went wrong?
Then I realized it as I stepped into my room and opened my wardrobe.
I realized what was wrong.
The black cheongsam that was there for the last few months was gone.
The 2 bottles of Nivea cream were gone.
The bottle of Gucci Envy that I bought for $50 from Lucky Plaza was gone.
The hair brush that had been in there for the last one year or so was gone.
The bottles of nail polish were gone.
The sanitary pads were gone.
I walked to the bathroom.
The venus shaver was gone.
The feminine wash was gone.
The neutrogena cleansing lotion was gone.
What was not the same?
The mistress of my life was gone.
That's what's not the same.
She was not with me when I watched the match.
She was not with me as I sat there all alone in Bishan Stadium.
She has not been with me since yesterday afternoon.
The love of my life was gone.
I let her go. Silly me.
Then I looked again.
The red towel that she used once on Sunday was still hanging at the window.
The mirror that she reflected her pretty face in was still at the table.
The "Lock-Lock" containing the cotton pads was still in my wardrobe.
The hairdryer that she just used on the weekend was still here.
So I brought down the towel.
I wiped the mirror.
I kept the hairdryer in my wardrobe.
One day, when I'm ready, and when she's ready, the mistress of my life, the mistress of this room, the love of my life, one day when she's ready, she'll be back in my life, she'll be back in this room, she'll be back on this bed, she'll lie warmly in my arms, and I'll tell her how much I love her and I'll tell her how much I want her, and I'll tell her how important she is to me and everything is gonna be alright.
And everything will be alright.
I shed a tear. And the rest just came non-stop. That's why I have to stop writing now. At least for tonight. My vision is blurry. My back hurts. My heart hurts too. And the tears just won't stop.
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