Let's get something clear once and for all.
I am an asshole.
I took the girl I loved for granted.
For more than a year, she put up with my nonsense.
I hurt her mentally, emotionally and physically.
I snapped one last time on Tuesday and hurt her again.
After that I went crazy, went home, took everything that belonged to her and sent it all down to her office.
I behaved like a complete fool and made a mess out of the whole thing.
I hurt my woman. I behaved like a jerk more than once.
And today she called me asshole.
Wasn't easy to swallow but she was right. I am an asshole.
Of all the right things I've done in my life, I had to choose to become an asshole with the woman whom I'm supposed to love.
All these months, I've let my insecurities overwhelm me on more than one occasion. Rendering me incapable of sorting my life out.
Bebe is right. Where is that guy who was so nice and did things without expectations. Where is the guy who put his heart totally into something and just did it cos it felt right to do it. I let that guy disappear. I let my imagination run wild. I let myself think that I wasn't good enough.
I screwed up. I screwed up bad.
SO here it is. There was only one victim in the relationship and it wasn't me. It's in black and white. Bebe was the victim. I hurt her and I hurt her bad.
I have one last chance. I will have to change and be good once and for all. If I can;t do it, I will have to lose Bebe for good. I don't want to. I will strive to change. I must change. I will never get used to life without Bebe.
I must change. Action speaks louder than words. I just wish for a hug right now. Not from anyone else. I just want a hug from Bebe, the woman I love, the woman I hurt, the woman I so desperately want back in my life.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
0-0
28th March 2007.
Bishan Stadium.
The scoreboard read 0-0.
Home United 0 Albirex Niigata 0.
The same Albirex that lost 3-1 to Sengkang Punggol last Friday.
The same Sengkang Punggol that was bottom or bottom 2 for the last 3 seasons.
Home United couldn't beat Albirex.
For once after 3 S-league matches that I've bet on, I lost. Every single cent.
I bet the same amount everytime.
$80.
With my 'insurance" ticket, somehow I could at least get the $80 back for the last 3 games.
But today, top team versus bottom team. No goals.
I had done everything the same way.
It's not the $80 that hurt.
It was the fact that I lost.
I sat there wondering.
I sat in the bus wondering.
Why?
Everything was the same.
What went wrong?
Then I realized it as I stepped into my room and opened my wardrobe.
I realized what was wrong.
The black cheongsam that was there for the last few months was gone.
The 2 bottles of Nivea cream were gone.
The bottle of Gucci Envy that I bought for $50 from Lucky Plaza was gone.
The hair brush that had been in there for the last one year or so was gone.
The bottles of nail polish were gone.
The sanitary pads were gone.
I walked to the bathroom.
The venus shaver was gone.
The feminine wash was gone.
The neutrogena cleansing lotion was gone.
What was not the same?
The mistress of my life was gone.
That's what's not the same.
She was not with me when I watched the match.
She was not with me as I sat there all alone in Bishan Stadium.
She has not been with me since yesterday afternoon.
The love of my life was gone.
I let her go. Silly me.
Then I looked again.
The red towel that she used once on Sunday was still hanging at the window.
The mirror that she reflected her pretty face in was still at the table.
The "Lock-Lock" containing the cotton pads was still in my wardrobe.
The hairdryer that she just used on the weekend was still here.
So I brought down the towel.
I wiped the mirror.
I kept the hairdryer in my wardrobe.
One day, when I'm ready, and when she's ready, the mistress of my life, the mistress of this room, the love of my life, one day when she's ready, she'll be back in my life, she'll be back in this room, she'll be back on this bed, she'll lie warmly in my arms, and I'll tell her how much I love her and I'll tell her how much I want her, and I'll tell her how important she is to me and everything is gonna be alright.
And everything will be alright.
I shed a tear. And the rest just came non-stop. That's why I have to stop writing now. At least for tonight. My vision is blurry. My back hurts. My heart hurts too. And the tears just won't stop.
Bishan Stadium.
The scoreboard read 0-0.
Home United 0 Albirex Niigata 0.
The same Albirex that lost 3-1 to Sengkang Punggol last Friday.
The same Sengkang Punggol that was bottom or bottom 2 for the last 3 seasons.
Home United couldn't beat Albirex.
For once after 3 S-league matches that I've bet on, I lost. Every single cent.
I bet the same amount everytime.
$80.
With my 'insurance" ticket, somehow I could at least get the $80 back for the last 3 games.
But today, top team versus bottom team. No goals.
I had done everything the same way.
It's not the $80 that hurt.
It was the fact that I lost.
I sat there wondering.
I sat in the bus wondering.
Why?
Everything was the same.
What went wrong?
Then I realized it as I stepped into my room and opened my wardrobe.
I realized what was wrong.
The black cheongsam that was there for the last few months was gone.
The 2 bottles of Nivea cream were gone.
The bottle of Gucci Envy that I bought for $50 from Lucky Plaza was gone.
The hair brush that had been in there for the last one year or so was gone.
The bottles of nail polish were gone.
The sanitary pads were gone.
I walked to the bathroom.
The venus shaver was gone.
The feminine wash was gone.
The neutrogena cleansing lotion was gone.
What was not the same?
The mistress of my life was gone.
That's what's not the same.
She was not with me when I watched the match.
She was not with me as I sat there all alone in Bishan Stadium.
She has not been with me since yesterday afternoon.
The love of my life was gone.
I let her go. Silly me.
Then I looked again.
The red towel that she used once on Sunday was still hanging at the window.
The mirror that she reflected her pretty face in was still at the table.
The "Lock-Lock" containing the cotton pads was still in my wardrobe.
The hairdryer that she just used on the weekend was still here.
So I brought down the towel.
I wiped the mirror.
I kept the hairdryer in my wardrobe.
One day, when I'm ready, and when she's ready, the mistress of my life, the mistress of this room, the love of my life, one day when she's ready, she'll be back in my life, she'll be back in this room, she'll be back on this bed, she'll lie warmly in my arms, and I'll tell her how much I love her and I'll tell her how much I want her, and I'll tell her how important she is to me and everything is gonna be alright.
And everything will be alright.
I shed a tear. And the rest just came non-stop. That's why I have to stop writing now. At least for tonight. My vision is blurry. My back hurts. My heart hurts too. And the tears just won't stop.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
The Book I'm Reading Now
ALL I REALLY NEEDED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN(UNCOMMON THOUGHTS ON COMMON THINGS) by Robert Fulghum is a new book that I just started reading.
I've never heard of this author before. I just happened to spot this title amongst all the "inspirational" books stacked side by side on the shelf at KINXXXXXXX during one of my short breaks. Didn't seem a big deal when I bought it cos I just needed something fresh to read apart from all my military books.
However, it's probably been weeks or even months before I even opened the book. In fact, only yesterday morning on the train back from TXXXXXX PXXXX did I seriously sit down to read it.
Only one word describes my reading so far: Enlightening.
Contents fit the title to a T. Some passages may not be relevant in this current times but most of it is reflective of life.
Here's a passage that touched me deep, very very deep:
"This is kind of personal. It may get a little syrupy, so watch out. It started as a note to my wife. And then I thought that since some of you may have husbands or wives and might feel the same way, I'd pass it along. I don't own this story, anyway. Charles Boyer does.
Remember Charles Boyer? Suave, dapper, handsome, graceful. Lover of the most famous and beautiful ladies of the silver screen. That was on camera and in the fan magazines. In real life it was different.
There was only one woman. For forty-four years. His wife, Patricia. Friends said it was a lifelong love affair. They were no less lovers and friends and companions after forty-four years than after the first year.
Then Patricia developed cancer of the liver. And though the doctors told Charles, he could not bear to tell her. And so he sat by her bedside to provide hope and cheer. Day and night for six months. He could not change the inevitable. Nobody could. And Patricia died in his arms. Two days later Charles Boyer was also dead. By his own hand. He said he did not want to live without her. He said, "Her love was life to me."
This was no movie. As I said, it's the real story - Charles Boyer's story.
It's not for me to pass judgment on how he handled his grief. But it is for me to say that I am touched and comforted in a strange way. Touched by the depth of love behind the apparent sham of Hollywood love life. Comforted to know that a man and woman can love each other that much that long.
I don't know how I would handle my grief in similar circumstances. I pray I shall never have to stand in his shoes. (Here comes the personal part-no apologies.) But there are moments when I look across the room - amid the daily ordinaries of life - and see the person I call my wife and friend and companion. And I understand why Charles Boyer did what he did. It really is possible to love someone that much. I know. I'm certain of it."
I don't know who Charles Boyer was.
I don't necessarily understand Robert Fulghum's world or life(He's 70 years old this year).
But...
I understand why Charles Boyer did what he did. It really is possible to love someone that much. I know. I'm certain of it.
Thank you for being my friend and companion. One day you'll be my wife too. Good night Bebe.
I've never heard of this author before. I just happened to spot this title amongst all the "inspirational" books stacked side by side on the shelf at KINXXXXXXX during one of my short breaks. Didn't seem a big deal when I bought it cos I just needed something fresh to read apart from all my military books.
However, it's probably been weeks or even months before I even opened the book. In fact, only yesterday morning on the train back from TXXXXXX PXXXX did I seriously sit down to read it.
Only one word describes my reading so far: Enlightening.
Contents fit the title to a T. Some passages may not be relevant in this current times but most of it is reflective of life.
Here's a passage that touched me deep, very very deep:
"This is kind of personal. It may get a little syrupy, so watch out. It started as a note to my wife. And then I thought that since some of you may have husbands or wives and might feel the same way, I'd pass it along. I don't own this story, anyway. Charles Boyer does.
Remember Charles Boyer? Suave, dapper, handsome, graceful. Lover of the most famous and beautiful ladies of the silver screen. That was on camera and in the fan magazines. In real life it was different.
There was only one woman. For forty-four years. His wife, Patricia. Friends said it was a lifelong love affair. They were no less lovers and friends and companions after forty-four years than after the first year.
Then Patricia developed cancer of the liver. And though the doctors told Charles, he could not bear to tell her. And so he sat by her bedside to provide hope and cheer. Day and night for six months. He could not change the inevitable. Nobody could. And Patricia died in his arms. Two days later Charles Boyer was also dead. By his own hand. He said he did not want to live without her. He said, "Her love was life to me."
This was no movie. As I said, it's the real story - Charles Boyer's story.
It's not for me to pass judgment on how he handled his grief. But it is for me to say that I am touched and comforted in a strange way. Touched by the depth of love behind the apparent sham of Hollywood love life. Comforted to know that a man and woman can love each other that much that long.
I don't know how I would handle my grief in similar circumstances. I pray I shall never have to stand in his shoes. (Here comes the personal part-no apologies.) But there are moments when I look across the room - amid the daily ordinaries of life - and see the person I call my wife and friend and companion. And I understand why Charles Boyer did what he did. It really is possible to love someone that much. I know. I'm certain of it."
I don't know who Charles Boyer was.
I don't necessarily understand Robert Fulghum's world or life(He's 70 years old this year).
But...
I understand why Charles Boyer did what he did. It really is possible to love someone that much. I know. I'm certain of it.
Thank you for being my friend and companion. One day you'll be my wife too. Good night Bebe.
Dictionary Lesson 300107
Based on The Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English, the definitions of the following words are as follows:
Anger: A strong feeling of wanting to harm, hurt or criticize someone because they have done something unfair, cruel, offensive etc.
Aggression: Angry or threatening behaviour or feelings that often result in fighting
Pain: The feeling you have when part of your body hurts (DUH!)
Sorrow: A feeling of great sadness, usually because someone has died or because something terrible has happened
Remorse: A strong feeling of being sorry that you have done something very bad
Regret: Sadness that you feel about something because you wish it had not happened or that you had not done it
Stupidity: Behaviour or actions that show a lack of good sense or judgement
Mature: A child or young person who is mature behaves in a sensible and reasonable way/to become or behave sensibly like an adult
Redeem: To make something less bad/To do something that will improve what other people think of you, after you have behaved badly or failed
Love: To have a strong feeling of caring for and liking soemone, combined with sexual attraction
Devotion: Great love or loyalty/ The act of spending alot of time and energy on something
Tolerance: Willingness to allow people to do, say or believe what they want without criticizing them
Relationship: The way in which two people or two groups behave towards each other/The way in which two or more things are connected and affect each other/A situation in which two people spend time together or live together, and have romantic or sexual feelngs for each other
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It's fascinating how the dictionary can teach one so much in so little time. Sometimes when we get too caught up with the daily hassles of life, we forget or blur the definitions of certain simple words of life. Everyone should just keep a little dictionary at home or at work as reading material. A lot of times the answers to some of life's most perplexing questions can be found in that mess of words.
Anger: A strong feeling of wanting to harm, hurt or criticize someone because they have done something unfair, cruel, offensive etc.
Aggression: Angry or threatening behaviour or feelings that often result in fighting
Pain: The feeling you have when part of your body hurts (DUH!)
Sorrow: A feeling of great sadness, usually because someone has died or because something terrible has happened
Remorse: A strong feeling of being sorry that you have done something very bad
Regret: Sadness that you feel about something because you wish it had not happened or that you had not done it
Stupidity: Behaviour or actions that show a lack of good sense or judgement
Mature: A child or young person who is mature behaves in a sensible and reasonable way/to become or behave sensibly like an adult
Redeem: To make something less bad/To do something that will improve what other people think of you, after you have behaved badly or failed
Love: To have a strong feeling of caring for and liking soemone, combined with sexual attraction
Devotion: Great love or loyalty/ The act of spending alot of time and energy on something
Tolerance: Willingness to allow people to do, say or believe what they want without criticizing them
Relationship: The way in which two people or two groups behave towards each other/The way in which two or more things are connected and affect each other/A situation in which two people spend time together or live together, and have romantic or sexual feelngs for each other
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It's fascinating how the dictionary can teach one so much in so little time. Sometimes when we get too caught up with the daily hassles of life, we forget or blur the definitions of certain simple words of life. Everyone should just keep a little dictionary at home or at work as reading material. A lot of times the answers to some of life's most perplexing questions can be found in that mess of words.
I WRITE AGAIN
After much deliberation and thoughts filtering, I have decided to start writing again. I guess this is the only way I can express my thoughts without pissing anyone off or hurting anyone. And it doesn't hurt that I'm on MC till 22nd Feb. Sianzzzzz....But no choice la. Guess after abusing my body for so many wretched years, it has finally given me the emergency signal to take a break.
How many entries or how long my entries will be I don't know yet. But I'll think carefully before I post. Too much crap will bore my audience of one(sometimes 4 even 6).
So here we go....Enjoy the ride!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How many entries or how long my entries will be I don't know yet. But I'll think carefully before I post. Too much crap will bore my audience of one(sometimes 4 even 6).
So here we go....Enjoy the ride!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Today is a New Day
Today is a new day. Something which I try and tell myself every morning.
So for once, I think I shall make it happen.
No more complaints.
No more temper.
No more doubts and suspicions.
No more self depreciation.
No more losing myself.
No more cursing and swearing.
No more of the bastard that possessed my body in the last few months.
Today 6th December 2006, I exorcised my demons.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Action Plan
1. Do not jump to conclusions
2. Do not doubt my loved ones
3. Do not ill treat my loved ones
4. Start exercising regularly
5. Accept all tasks at work with renewed passion and ask for help when necessary
6. Do not blow my top
7. Never let anyone make me think I'm not good enough
8. FIND MYSELF
THE ELITE WILL BE BACK SOON...
If at the end of it, nobody appreciates it or wants me anymore, just too bad.
If nobody wants to love me, I will love myself.
I did not survive so many dangerous stuff to lose myself over some silly relationship.
For once in more than a year, I'll do it for myself.
Screw the universe. :)
So for once, I think I shall make it happen.
No more complaints.
No more temper.
No more doubts and suspicions.
No more self depreciation.
No more losing myself.
No more cursing and swearing.
No more of the bastard that possessed my body in the last few months.
Today 6th December 2006, I exorcised my demons.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Action Plan
1. Do not jump to conclusions
2. Do not doubt my loved ones
3. Do not ill treat my loved ones
4. Start exercising regularly
5. Accept all tasks at work with renewed passion and ask for help when necessary
6. Do not blow my top
7. Never let anyone make me think I'm not good enough
8. FIND MYSELF
THE ELITE WILL BE BACK SOON...
If at the end of it, nobody appreciates it or wants me anymore, just too bad.
If nobody wants to love me, I will love myself.
I did not survive so many dangerous stuff to lose myself over some silly relationship.
For once in more than a year, I'll do it for myself.
Screw the universe. :)
Monday, December 04, 2006
I AM TIRED
I'm tired of working so hard
I'm tired of not getting the recognition
I'm tired of feeling insecure
I'm tired of making myself angry
I'm tired of making Bebe upset
I'm tired of being unhappy
I'm tired of feeling lost
I'm tired of feeling tired
I need to find my way put soon.
I love you Bebe, much more than you'll ever know.
Good night.
I'm tired of not getting the recognition
I'm tired of feeling insecure
I'm tired of making myself angry
I'm tired of making Bebe upset
I'm tired of being unhappy
I'm tired of feeling lost
I'm tired of feeling tired
I need to find my way put soon.
I love you Bebe, much more than you'll ever know.
Good night.
Monday, November 27, 2006
What's wrong?
What's wrong with us?
I really wanna know.
Hopefully the answer will come soon cos I don't know how long I can deal with this constant rejection and aggression.
Life goes on for now.
Ryan and guys, don't bother calling me this few days k. I gotta get thru this myself, like how I got thru 2000. Thanks for being there boys. Sorry I haven't been as present as much as you've would have liked.
Going to work now.
I really wanna know.
Hopefully the answer will come soon cos I don't know how long I can deal with this constant rejection and aggression.
Life goes on for now.
Ryan and guys, don't bother calling me this few days k. I gotta get thru this myself, like how I got thru 2000. Thanks for being there boys. Sorry I haven't been as present as much as you've would have liked.
Going to work now.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Another Day...
I FINALLY GOT TO THE GYM TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After not going for months, it really felt good to be back... Months of neglect have really done my body in. Could't leg press more than 200lbs and couldn't shoulder press more than 100lbs...
Very bad...
Need to go more often from now on, no more excuses.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Had some silly argument with Bebe this afternoon again. Let's just say the problem is resolved for now, gotta wait til this weekend is over before we'll know if there'll be more trouble. Hope not...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
6pm to 730pm. Happening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fireworks better than National Day.... I'm spent but I'l still game for lots more. Ironic...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Haven't been able to sleep early the last few weeks. Promised Bebe I will try. So I shall try now.
Good night Bebe, I love you, much more than you'll ever know.
After not going for months, it really felt good to be back... Months of neglect have really done my body in. Could't leg press more than 200lbs and couldn't shoulder press more than 100lbs...
Very bad...
Need to go more often from now on, no more excuses.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Had some silly argument with Bebe this afternoon again. Let's just say the problem is resolved for now, gotta wait til this weekend is over before we'll know if there'll be more trouble. Hope not...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
6pm to 730pm. Happening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fireworks better than National Day.... I'm spent but I'l still game for lots more. Ironic...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Haven't been able to sleep early the last few weeks. Promised Bebe I will try. So I shall try now.
Good night Bebe, I love you, much more than you'll ever know.
Very tired
Don't know why I'm so tired but maybe it's a good thing if i can finally fall asleep early.
I love you Bebe and thank you for being so nice today.
I know I got a long way to go before being good enough.
I'll try my best k.
Good night. I'll write tomorrow(if I wake up early)...
I love you Bebe and thank you for being so nice today.
I know I got a long way to go before being good enough.
I'll try my best k.
Good night. I'll write tomorrow(if I wake up early)...
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Thoughts Before Bed
In the last 2 days alone, Bebe has gone for 2 things she really wasn't keen on, just cos I mentioned about going.
First was ktv. I realized last night that I can't really sing anymore and I'm not as enthusiastic anymore about singing. Bebe didn't have any mood to sing also. Spent half the night trying to find some song that one of the P.Superxxxx girls sang, to no avail. Well, Bebe just sat there trying to get through the night without falling asleep. Effectively from last night, I've lost 95% of going to ktv. I'm getting old...
This afternoon, we watched The Covenant. Looked exciting when I saw the trailer in Bangkok, but the actual movie turned out disappointing. You can't explore 5 families' history, add in teenage angst, a little love and a little subplot about spiders, all within 1.5 hours. Ended up looking like Street Fighter instead of some exciting goth show. And the scary part was not the "darklings" in the show. The scariest part is there MIGHT BE A SEQUEL!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, Bebe didn't really wanna watch the show but she suggested going cos I mentioned in Bangkok that I wanted to watch. Now after watching, I should have listened to her and not watch it. Much rather watch The Guardian or The Prestige once more. But Bebe again sat through it, just like how she sat through last night's terrible sing song session.
If these 2 incidents doesn't further cement the fact that Bebe loves me, I don't know what does.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Bebe wants to go to St James Power Station. And I'll go, cos I love her, simple as that. Bebe was upset that I said it was for her, but it's true mah. If not for her, I wouldn't visit anywhere noisy and smoky. But then, the truth is always hard to accept so I rest my case...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I felt really bored today after dinner with Bebe and her family. Suddenly felt really aimless and lost. Don't know what happened also.
I'm happy whenever I'm with Bebe, of course there're times when she treads on my toes and upsets me with that machine gun mouth of hers but then, I'm guilty of the same crimes as stated above...
Sigh... It's tough to be in love... Can't live with her, can't live without her...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Tomorrow is a new day of a new week.
What shit will come? I really don't know.
After so long in the job, I still can't help getting shocked at the amount of types of shit that can possibly present themselves once I step back after a break.
Am I expecting too much of others? Am I not doing good enough myself? Am I being impatient? Am I asking for too much from myself? Or have I just not tried hard enough?
Whatever the case, I know there'll be shit tomorrow.
So I always gotta get my toilet bowl ready. Hopefully it stays functional till most of the shit is cleansed. I gotta upgrade my toilet bowl to a better one soon, probably one with the water jets to clean your ass after shitting...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Lots of stuff have happened in the last few weeks. Alot of it has raised lots of self doubts about myself. But somehow I've managed to pull through before I break.
I need my strength from somewhere. Right now, Bebe forms a large part of that energy pool. And I know in my future, Bebe will always be a part of my energy source and inspiration, till the day she doesn't want to anymore.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Saw on Zhang Fei's show that day an interview with Matilda Tao.
Something she said really striked a cord in my heart.
If one day Bebe leaves before me, I really don;t know how to live on anymore cos she's become such an essential part of my life. That's how much I love her. She may never ever feel the same way but I know she loves me too and she'll definitely be sad if I ever leave before her.
That's all I need to know.
I love Bebe. Done...
Good night everybody.
First was ktv. I realized last night that I can't really sing anymore and I'm not as enthusiastic anymore about singing. Bebe didn't have any mood to sing also. Spent half the night trying to find some song that one of the P.Superxxxx girls sang, to no avail. Well, Bebe just sat there trying to get through the night without falling asleep. Effectively from last night, I've lost 95% of going to ktv. I'm getting old...
This afternoon, we watched The Covenant. Looked exciting when I saw the trailer in Bangkok, but the actual movie turned out disappointing. You can't explore 5 families' history, add in teenage angst, a little love and a little subplot about spiders, all within 1.5 hours. Ended up looking like Street Fighter instead of some exciting goth show. And the scary part was not the "darklings" in the show. The scariest part is there MIGHT BE A SEQUEL!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, Bebe didn't really wanna watch the show but she suggested going cos I mentioned in Bangkok that I wanted to watch. Now after watching, I should have listened to her and not watch it. Much rather watch The Guardian or The Prestige once more. But Bebe again sat through it, just like how she sat through last night's terrible sing song session.
If these 2 incidents doesn't further cement the fact that Bebe loves me, I don't know what does.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Bebe wants to go to St James Power Station. And I'll go, cos I love her, simple as that. Bebe was upset that I said it was for her, but it's true mah. If not for her, I wouldn't visit anywhere noisy and smoky. But then, the truth is always hard to accept so I rest my case...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I felt really bored today after dinner with Bebe and her family. Suddenly felt really aimless and lost. Don't know what happened also.
I'm happy whenever I'm with Bebe, of course there're times when she treads on my toes and upsets me with that machine gun mouth of hers but then, I'm guilty of the same crimes as stated above...
Sigh... It's tough to be in love... Can't live with her, can't live without her...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Tomorrow is a new day of a new week.
What shit will come? I really don't know.
After so long in the job, I still can't help getting shocked at the amount of types of shit that can possibly present themselves once I step back after a break.
Am I expecting too much of others? Am I not doing good enough myself? Am I being impatient? Am I asking for too much from myself? Or have I just not tried hard enough?
Whatever the case, I know there'll be shit tomorrow.
So I always gotta get my toilet bowl ready. Hopefully it stays functional till most of the shit is cleansed. I gotta upgrade my toilet bowl to a better one soon, probably one with the water jets to clean your ass after shitting...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Lots of stuff have happened in the last few weeks. Alot of it has raised lots of self doubts about myself. But somehow I've managed to pull through before I break.
I need my strength from somewhere. Right now, Bebe forms a large part of that energy pool. And I know in my future, Bebe will always be a part of my energy source and inspiration, till the day she doesn't want to anymore.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Saw on Zhang Fei's show that day an interview with Matilda Tao.
Something she said really striked a cord in my heart.
If one day Bebe leaves before me, I really don;t know how to live on anymore cos she's become such an essential part of my life. That's how much I love her. She may never ever feel the same way but I know she loves me too and she'll definitely be sad if I ever leave before her.
That's all I need to know.
I love Bebe. Done...
Good night everybody.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Again Before I Sleep
I want to make Bebe my wife.
Forget all the crap I've done or said, I want Bebe and only Bebe to be my wife.
And I want Bebe to stay healthy. At whatever price or sacrifice necessary. Yes, whatever sacrifice necessary.
Good night stupid world.
Forget all the crap I've done or said, I want Bebe and only Bebe to be my wife.
And I want Bebe to stay healthy. At whatever price or sacrifice necessary. Yes, whatever sacrifice necessary.
Good night stupid world.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Before I Sleep
I start work after my "long" break in a few hours.
I'm too exhausted and mentally drained to write much.
I just wanna ask before I sleep, when is good enough gonna be really good enough and when will I not screw up?
Life's sickening sometimes.
Good night.
I'm too exhausted and mentally drained to write much.
I just wanna ask before I sleep, when is good enough gonna be really good enough and when will I not screw up?
Life's sickening sometimes.
Good night.
Friday, October 27, 2006
My Promise
Bebe,
I promise
~ never to yell vulgarities at you again
~ never to accuse you of things you did not do
~ never put you down in any way
~ never to stop loving you(unless you've done something wrong to me)
(You can print this out and blackmail me where necessary.)
I promise
~ never to yell vulgarities at you again
~ never to accuse you of things you did not do
~ never put you down in any way
~ never to stop loving you(unless you've done something wrong to me)
(You can print this out and blackmail me where necessary.)
A New Beginning
After God knows how many bloody months, Ive finally got the opportunity to get back to writing.
Why do I write? Simply cos I can express myself better in words than with my mouth. I shall use my mouth more for eating and kissing(only Bebe of course).
I know this blog is dedicated to my Bebe but I think I shall use it to update about my own little life too, since Bebe is the only one(I think) who reads it...
Here I go...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WORK UPDATE
I've been confirmed as of 15th September 2006. And guess what, Mr Jxxxx wasn't confirmed. Hmmmmmm... Strange but true.
Work has been piling up ever since and there seems to never be enough time to finish everything. Then I realized the problem(which I actually knew deep inside all along). More work was coming but it's still one person doing two people's jobs. SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not that I'm complaining cos I know with each new task that I complete, I learn something new. I'm not some computer whiz but at least I try. On the contrary, Mr Smarty Pants claims Excel Basic was so easy he kept falling asleep but keeps submitting stuff to boss that has bad formatting, wrong spelling and generally bad bad bad!!!!!!!!!!!!! And who has to save the day? Me me me!!!! Do I get any thanks? No. All I get is bullshit.
Well, I chose this path so I shall stick to it till my mind and body can't take it anymore.
Enough of work for tonight. Anyway I'm writing tonight cos I know the next 2 nights I won't get any chance to. And after I reach Bangkok on Sunday, I won't touch a computer till I get back cos I promised Bebe I won't bring my laptop in case I get tempted to work.
On one hand, I'm really looking forward to this break cos the last trip to Bangkok wasn't really great. However, I can't help but worry how Mr J might screw things up while I'm gone. Never mind, once the plane takes off, I'll leave all my worries here and thoroughly enjoy myself for once.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
OUR ANNIVERSARY
Well well, the 2 of us managed to survive one whole year without killing each other(though O nearly killed myself a few times :p).
We both managed to get breaks on the fateful day 3rd October 2006.
To make things short:
OTO Trimax: $330
Hotel Room: $280
Flowers: $60
Champagne and Cake: $80
Tips for all involved: $40
Miscellaneous: Unaccountable
The look on Bebe's face: Priceless
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
US
US means us. Not United States.
It's been a really long and tough road for me and Bebe.
Looking back, I'm amazed how we got through.
So many times we nearly gave up. So many times I nearly lost the woman I love the most.
Why? I'm a jealous, egoistic and proud dude. Sometimes too much for my own good.
I've been stupid enough to have said things that I didn't mean, purely out of anger. And Bebe has been hurt so many times, it's no wonder she needed a scope to see what's wrong. On a side note, I'm really relieved that the scope revealed nothing abnormal.
Bebe is bad tempered. Bebe smokes, drinks and has a temper more fiery than chilli padi. Bebe is always full of gas and burps and farts more frequently than anyone I've known. Bebe likes to be sayanged but always pretends to be angry or is really angry hoping that I will pacify her.
Me? I'm bad tempered. I don't smoke. I drink when I have no choice. My temper is probably 10 times more than Bebe's. I'm always full of pride and jealousy and I get jealous and angry more frequently than anyone I've known. I don't like Bebe to get angry or be unreasonable and always gotta coax myself to sayang Bebe. Why? Cos I really don't know when sayang will or will not work. So I don't try, cos I don't wanna fail.
How did we survive so long?
How many times has Bebe asked me if we're really compatible and we have nothing in common and we should break up blah blah blah....
After much thought and a new haircut, my conclusion is: WE ARE TOGETHER COS WE ARE TRULY COMFORTABLE AND HAPPY IN EACH OTHER'S PRESENCE. WE ARE HAPPY FOR ALL THE SIMPLE THINGS WE DO TOGETHER. JUST HOLDING HANDS AND WALKING TOGETHER. JUST HUGGING AND KISSING. JUST SITTING IN A CAFE, READING OUR OWN COPY OF THE PAPERS, KNOWING THE OTHER PERSON IS JUST THERE. AND IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO L-O-V-E LOVE....................................................
It's not about the fancy restaurants or the fancy presents. Not about 1 million and 1 surprises. Not about how much money I can make. Not about how many hours we gotta work. It's just love and enjoying each other in every way possible.
Yup! Confirmed, guaranteed plus chopped. We are meant to be...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Why do I write? Simply cos I can express myself better in words than with my mouth. I shall use my mouth more for eating and kissing(only Bebe of course).
I know this blog is dedicated to my Bebe but I think I shall use it to update about my own little life too, since Bebe is the only one(I think) who reads it...
Here I go...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WORK UPDATE
I've been confirmed as of 15th September 2006. And guess what, Mr Jxxxx wasn't confirmed. Hmmmmmm... Strange but true.
Work has been piling up ever since and there seems to never be enough time to finish everything. Then I realized the problem(which I actually knew deep inside all along). More work was coming but it's still one person doing two people's jobs. SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not that I'm complaining cos I know with each new task that I complete, I learn something new. I'm not some computer whiz but at least I try. On the contrary, Mr Smarty Pants claims Excel Basic was so easy he kept falling asleep but keeps submitting stuff to boss that has bad formatting, wrong spelling and generally bad bad bad!!!!!!!!!!!!! And who has to save the day? Me me me!!!! Do I get any thanks? No. All I get is bullshit.
Well, I chose this path so I shall stick to it till my mind and body can't take it anymore.
Enough of work for tonight. Anyway I'm writing tonight cos I know the next 2 nights I won't get any chance to. And after I reach Bangkok on Sunday, I won't touch a computer till I get back cos I promised Bebe I won't bring my laptop in case I get tempted to work.
On one hand, I'm really looking forward to this break cos the last trip to Bangkok wasn't really great. However, I can't help but worry how Mr J might screw things up while I'm gone. Never mind, once the plane takes off, I'll leave all my worries here and thoroughly enjoy myself for once.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
OUR ANNIVERSARY
Well well, the 2 of us managed to survive one whole year without killing each other(though O nearly killed myself a few times :p).
We both managed to get breaks on the fateful day 3rd October 2006.
To make things short:
OTO Trimax: $330
Hotel Room: $280
Flowers: $60
Champagne and Cake: $80
Tips for all involved: $40
Miscellaneous: Unaccountable
The look on Bebe's face: Priceless
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
US
US means us. Not United States.
It's been a really long and tough road for me and Bebe.
Looking back, I'm amazed how we got through.
So many times we nearly gave up. So many times I nearly lost the woman I love the most.
Why? I'm a jealous, egoistic and proud dude. Sometimes too much for my own good.
I've been stupid enough to have said things that I didn't mean, purely out of anger. And Bebe has been hurt so many times, it's no wonder she needed a scope to see what's wrong. On a side note, I'm really relieved that the scope revealed nothing abnormal.
Bebe is bad tempered. Bebe smokes, drinks and has a temper more fiery than chilli padi. Bebe is always full of gas and burps and farts more frequently than anyone I've known. Bebe likes to be sayanged but always pretends to be angry or is really angry hoping that I will pacify her.
Me? I'm bad tempered. I don't smoke. I drink when I have no choice. My temper is probably 10 times more than Bebe's. I'm always full of pride and jealousy and I get jealous and angry more frequently than anyone I've known. I don't like Bebe to get angry or be unreasonable and always gotta coax myself to sayang Bebe. Why? Cos I really don't know when sayang will or will not work. So I don't try, cos I don't wanna fail.
How did we survive so long?
How many times has Bebe asked me if we're really compatible and we have nothing in common and we should break up blah blah blah....
After much thought and a new haircut, my conclusion is: WE ARE TOGETHER COS WE ARE TRULY COMFORTABLE AND HAPPY IN EACH OTHER'S PRESENCE. WE ARE HAPPY FOR ALL THE SIMPLE THINGS WE DO TOGETHER. JUST HOLDING HANDS AND WALKING TOGETHER. JUST HUGGING AND KISSING. JUST SITTING IN A CAFE, READING OUR OWN COPY OF THE PAPERS, KNOWING THE OTHER PERSON IS JUST THERE. AND IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO L-O-V-E LOVE....................................................
It's not about the fancy restaurants or the fancy presents. Not about 1 million and 1 surprises. Not about how much money I can make. Not about how many hours we gotta work. It's just love and enjoying each other in every way possible.
Yup! Confirmed, guaranteed plus chopped. We are meant to be...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Last night
It's less than 24 hours before Bebe's back. As much as I miss her, I know she'd wanna rest amd recover when she gets back. I feel so bad that I can't pick her up from the airport. Tomorrow night gonna be very busy. Doesn't help that Mr Jxxxx is not doing his share of his work.
Now I gotta work at home cos he left me with a big pile of his SHIT to clear. Hopefully the day will come when the truth comes to light and justice is served.
I miss you bebe. Come back soon. Life sucks without you.
Now I gotta work at home cos he left me with a big pile of his SHIT to clear. Hopefully the day will come when the truth comes to light and justice is served.
I miss you bebe. Come back soon. Life sucks without you.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Before work on a lousy friday
Jus msn with bebe.
Her fever's down. That's a relief.
Today gotta be at work by 1pm so this is gonna be a short entry.
I really wish I was Superman so I can be there for the people I love and care about whenevr they need me.
But I'm not.
I'll keep reminding myself of that.
Anyway I don't think I can cut it as a reporter also. Plus I look bad with glasses.
Pitiful man. Trying to console himself.
Bebe'll be back tomorrow but God knows when I'll get to see her. But never mind la, as long as she recovers properly. We got many many years ahead of us.
Okie gotta go. I really wanna be a better person for everyone around me.
I love you Bebe. And I miss you terribly as usual.
Her fever's down. That's a relief.
Today gotta be at work by 1pm so this is gonna be a short entry.
I really wish I was Superman so I can be there for the people I love and care about whenevr they need me.
But I'm not.
I'll keep reminding myself of that.
Anyway I don't think I can cut it as a reporter also. Plus I look bad with glasses.
Pitiful man. Trying to console himself.
Bebe'll be back tomorrow but God knows when I'll get to see her. But never mind la, as long as she recovers properly. We got many many years ahead of us.
Okie gotta go. I really wanna be a better person for everyone around me.
I love you Bebe. And I miss you terribly as usual.
A little note before bed
Just finished my shower. Long day at work. Bebe smsed me earlier but I was to busy to reply. She misses me. :) That just made my day a whole lot better. Call me cheap thrill if you want but a little concern or love from Bebe goes a long long way for me.
Mum's back in her room sleeping. Hope that means grandma's condition is stabilized. I'm so worried. Bebe is probably still sick in Bangkok and I can't do anything about it. I just wanna hug her to sleep and let her know how much she means to me.
If only I was Superman. Then can fly anywhere in the world faster than the speed of light. Don't need to buy ticket some more. So whenever Bebe feels lonely anywhere in the world I can be there by her side in a jiffy.
2 more days before she's back. Can't wait. I feel so bad that I can't pick her up at the airport.
I love you honey. And I miss you til it hurts.
Sleep well my beautiful woman. Me shall try to sleep now.
MUACK!!!!!!!
Mum's back in her room sleeping. Hope that means grandma's condition is stabilized. I'm so worried. Bebe is probably still sick in Bangkok and I can't do anything about it. I just wanna hug her to sleep and let her know how much she means to me.
If only I was Superman. Then can fly anywhere in the world faster than the speed of light. Don't need to buy ticket some more. So whenever Bebe feels lonely anywhere in the world I can be there by her side in a jiffy.
2 more days before she's back. Can't wait. I feel so bad that I can't pick her up at the airport.
I love you honey. And I miss you til it hurts.
Sleep well my beautiful woman. Me shall try to sleep now.
MUACK!!!!!!!
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Terrible day
Today is a terrible day.
Bebe is sick and all alone in Bangkok.
I fell in the shower and hurt my wrist.
Mum called and told me grandma's in very terrible condition, could go anytime.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm sorry I'm not a better person
I'm sorry I can't stop so many bad things from happening.
I'm sorry I can't be by Bebe's side to take care of her.
I'm sorry I can't be by Grandma's side.
I'm sorry I've been a terrible boyfriend, son, grandson.
I'm sorry.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It's a terrible day. Can I just suddenly wake up and realize that it's all just a nightmare?
Bebe is sick and all alone in Bangkok.
I fell in the shower and hurt my wrist.
Mum called and told me grandma's in very terrible condition, could go anytime.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm sorry I'm not a better person
I'm sorry I can't stop so many bad things from happening.
I'm sorry I can't be by Bebe's side to take care of her.
I'm sorry I can't be by Grandma's side.
I'm sorry I've been a terrible boyfriend, son, grandson.
I'm sorry.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It's a terrible day. Can I just suddenly wake up and realize that it's all just a nightmare?
Bebe in Bangkok(Day 2.5)
It's 1245am on Thursday morning.
Portugal have just beaten Mexico 2-1. And stupid Angola could only draw 1-1 with Iran. Me lost money. Good thing is Bebe won the Portugal game.
Bebe has been in Bangkok since Tuesday. Didn't think about updating the blog til now. Guess I've been too tired.
The new job's looking good, only that I gotta do a lot of sai gang cos the person who was supposed to be my mentor and guide me along turned out to be lazy and irresponsible. It's a matter of time before either he or me crack. Pray hard ladies and gentlemen.
Recently me and Bebe have been going thru some bad patches. Quarrels have been escalating to almost points of no return but somehow we both hung on. Think we realize how much we love each other. At least that's what I think is keeping us together.
We both got tempers from hell. I keep telling myself to give in to Bebe and I can't say I didn't try. Maybe I just haven't pushed myself hard enough.
Like Bebe always say, we're such a picture of perfect harmony whenever we're not at loggerheads. I can't agree more. People who see us always have the impression that we're very much in love. In fact we are. It's just that we always end up not giving in when disputes arise.
Sigh... It's tough to be in love. But living with another person has never been easy anyway.
I know I love Bebe enough to try harder and strive on.
Strive to love her better. Strive hard at work to give her a better life. Strive to be nicer to her. Strive to be nicer to myself and not give myself too much pressure. And strive to be a better person all round.
I'm blessed to have a woman love me so much. Love me to the extent that she let herself go without blanket and get bitten by mozzies and god knows what just to spend one more night with me. Thank you honey. I'll get you a blanket and mozzie incense by the next time you sleep over.
Future plans?
I'm gonna put $10 each on Togo beating France and japan beating Brazil. Crazy right? But for fun only la. With the crap that's happening in this World Cup, who knows...
For now I just want Bebe to come back safe and sound.
She's falling sick. Drink more water and smoke less. That's as much as I can say before she says I'm too naggy and worry too much. Hope she doesn't get sick of my worrying in the future.
Okie. Gonna sleep now. Another day of Sai Gang later.
I love you Bebe. And I miss you like crazy. As usual.
Sweet dreams.
Portugal have just beaten Mexico 2-1. And stupid Angola could only draw 1-1 with Iran. Me lost money. Good thing is Bebe won the Portugal game.
Bebe has been in Bangkok since Tuesday. Didn't think about updating the blog til now. Guess I've been too tired.
The new job's looking good, only that I gotta do a lot of sai gang cos the person who was supposed to be my mentor and guide me along turned out to be lazy and irresponsible. It's a matter of time before either he or me crack. Pray hard ladies and gentlemen.
Recently me and Bebe have been going thru some bad patches. Quarrels have been escalating to almost points of no return but somehow we both hung on. Think we realize how much we love each other. At least that's what I think is keeping us together.
We both got tempers from hell. I keep telling myself to give in to Bebe and I can't say I didn't try. Maybe I just haven't pushed myself hard enough.
Like Bebe always say, we're such a picture of perfect harmony whenever we're not at loggerheads. I can't agree more. People who see us always have the impression that we're very much in love. In fact we are. It's just that we always end up not giving in when disputes arise.
Sigh... It's tough to be in love. But living with another person has never been easy anyway.
I know I love Bebe enough to try harder and strive on.
Strive to love her better. Strive hard at work to give her a better life. Strive to be nicer to her. Strive to be nicer to myself and not give myself too much pressure. And strive to be a better person all round.
I'm blessed to have a woman love me so much. Love me to the extent that she let herself go without blanket and get bitten by mozzies and god knows what just to spend one more night with me. Thank you honey. I'll get you a blanket and mozzie incense by the next time you sleep over.
Future plans?
I'm gonna put $10 each on Togo beating France and japan beating Brazil. Crazy right? But for fun only la. With the crap that's happening in this World Cup, who knows...
For now I just want Bebe to come back safe and sound.
She's falling sick. Drink more water and smoke less. That's as much as I can say before she says I'm too naggy and worry too much. Hope she doesn't get sick of my worrying in the future.
Okie. Gonna sleep now. Another day of Sai Gang later.
I love you Bebe. And I miss you like crazy. As usual.
Sweet dreams.
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